How I got my name!

Alright. So my full names is Michael Alexander Chase. I go by Alex Chase and most people just call me Chase. A lot of people end up thinking that my first name is Chase.  I asked my parents why I go by my middle name and its not an interesting story. They said it was because they discovered shortly after  my birth certificate was finalized, that Michael was the most popular boy's name in America. ....And also it would make my initials MAC....?

This name situation has lead to some terrible first impressions. The most common of which is the simple delay from trying to decide which name to call myself. Introducing myself goes some like "Hi! I'm, Ah... Alex."
"Are you sure its Alex?"
"...Yes."
Not a big deal. This one's mostly my fault for being indecisive.

However, one time I introduced my self, "Hi, I'm Alex." to a girl at a party.
All was going fine until my buddy came over and said, "Ahh, I see you met Chase!"
Girl-"I thought your name was Alex!"
Me- "It is. It's Alex Chase."
Girl- "Let me see you're drivers license. This says Michael Chase. Creep!"
Girl walked away before an explanation.

Also, college interviewer calling my house:
Me: Hello?
Interviewer: Hello. This is John form Clark University. Is Michael Chase available?
Me: Who? Oh, me. Yes I'm right here.
Interviewer: ....Oh wow. Ok. (sigh)...
Answers to own name: Check!

My first day of high school:
Teacher takes attendance...

Teacher: Angela Chan?
Angela: Here.
Teacher: Ariana Chao?
Ariana: Here!
Teacher: Michael Chase?
Me: Here.
Teacher: Do you prefer Mike or Michael?
Me: ...Alex...actually.
(Class laughs)
Teacher: ...How about I just call you "Mike the smartass"? You know its the first day Mr. Chase and I can't even get through attendance without you starting trouble.
Me: ...Ah....Sorry.

Underqualified: Teacher's Aide Part 2

Okay, when we left off, I was getting sexually harassed by an 11 year old. The next part is harder to tell because I have to protect this little girl's anonymity. She told me her name. Trust me when I say that this little girl, who asked to sit on my lap, had the most absurd name for a girl you have ever heard in your life. We'll call her "Fluffy". Her real name is slightly better/weirder than that. Just as Fluffy tried to feel up my bicep, recess ended. I was like thank god. And I will avoid the shit out that kid in the future.

After recess, I was handed a new classroom schedule. I was supposed to tutor students in math right after recess. And Fluffy was in the class. She gave me a mischievous half-wave when I walked into the room. We had plenty of adventures. One time I told her I wanted to be a psychologist. She said, "Ohhh, you want to talk to crazy people for the rest of your life?"

I was like, "Yeah, call me in a few years." Oops.

Over the next few months I learned the job well. I was a natural. Sure kids test your patirents, but there is also something about a school environment that is so positive to be in. Also, the teachers were cool/crazy. It took me a while to get comfortable, but I got to smoke pot with some of them. In addition, I heard some crazy stories. I learned about how Fluffy's dad was world famous and her mom was a secret lesbian who had an affair with a teacher who no longer worked there. One teacher used to deal coke. One almost got arrested for having sex in public while on vacation. All this stuff goes on, and every morning no matter how hung over or aburd they acted the night before, they still walk into the classroom and say, "1-2-3. Eyes on me!" and "Hey guys, you get what you get, and you dont get upset!"

I liked the job so much that did my second co-op there. That was when the most rediculous situation of all occured.
 I was pulled out of the two classrooms that I had been working in to be a one-on-one aide for a child in a kindergarten class. I was told that this one particular boy had been exhibiting some "oddly sexual behavior". I was told to stop him from whispering  words like "penis" and "butt" into other kid's ears. Also to stop him from pulling up his shorts and rubbing his butt up against furniture. You know, normal stuff...

On my second day in the kindergarten class, one little boy said something fucking hilarious. I was sitting on one of those kindergarten chairs with my knees scrunched up by my shoulders, and I fell right out of the chair.

The teacher wrote a big block letter "W" on the blackboard. Kids were supposed to raise their hands and say words that begin with  "w". Then the words would be written inside the block letter "W". Kids started off with, witch, wall, will, wood, etc. Then this wise ass Russian kid who moved to Boston 5 months ago raised his hand. He giggled and said "Wagina!" He mixed up his v's and w's! Adorable.

But that kid wasn't the kid I was supposed to be watching. The kid I was watching; lets call him "Rodney". One time at recess, I saw him try to rally his friends to play what he called "weird wrestling" under the jungle gym. Another time, I saw him hold his Johnson quite tightly. a routine set in where I was preventing stuff on the reg. One teacher would see me in the hall and be like, "Hey man. How's pee-pee patrol going?"

I'd be like "Oh you know...same old shit."

Then one time I was escorting the kindergarten class from music, and the music teacher, stopped me to be like, "Hey, Alex. What did he do exactly?"

I was like "I dont know. He rubs his butt up against furniture and stuff. He wants play weird wrestling or some shit."

She was like, "...Oh. thats not what I heard."

"Why? What did you hear?"

Then she explained to me that Rodney had been taking other boys into the bathroom with him, pulling down eachother's pants, and KISSSING EACHOTHER'S DICKS! No one wanted to be the one to tell me. The principal was like the teacher will explain it all to you. The teacher thought the principal explained that part to me. No one wanted be like, "Basically what we're dealing with here is a dick-kisser. He kisses dicks. He gets boys to kiss his dick. Dick-kisser."

So I made sure that didn't happen anymore and thats what I did for co-op.

Less Than Qualified: Teacher's Aide Part 1.

This guy meets children...


Before I begin this next post, i want you guys to know that everything in this story is true.

Northeastern is famous for its co-op program. The school sets students up with employers to work in their field of study. Employers get cheap labor and students get experience. I'm a psychology student. When I became one, I didn’t have a game plan for what I wanted to do for work. I just thought the stuff was interesting. So when co-op time rolled around I just wanted any job. I was pretty sure I would be bad at it regardless of what it was. I never had a job I liked. My job history includes picking strawberries in a field along side illegal immigrants and working at Jo-Anne Fabrics. Oh! And I sprained my ankle playing basketball during the same summer that I was working as a strawberry picker. So I had to sell strawberries on the side of the road instead of picking them. In doing so, I got robbed by a woman in her 80's.

This sort of job history made me dread getting a job, but I went through the resume process anyway. I sent out my resume to any company that seemed remotely interesting. I sent out 40 resumes and received no responses. Then I realized I misspelled the word "experience" on my resume. Hilarious irony aside, I totally fucked myself. I sent out 15 more resumes with the correct spelling of "experience" and I got two interviews. (Even now is I write this blog, I'm like, "Is it an 'i' or an 'e' after the 'p'?")  One interview was at Boston Medical Center, working in the psych ward. The job was suicide watch. I was to make sure people in danger of hurting themselves didn't. The other job was working at a grade school as a teacher's assistant.

Between you and me, I would have rather watch people flip out and try to kill themselves than work with children. But I only got hired at the grade school. How? No fucking idea. I had never worked with kids before and don’t have any younger siblings. I told the vice-principal who was administering my interview that I did stand-up comedy as an example of how I'm an outgoing person. I didn't mention that I quit due to stage fright.

So I showed up the first day and I looked like I was 16 when I was 20. Plus I was 1 of 4 men who are on staff. No one thought I worked there. Everyone keeps asking me if I was visiting an old teacher of mine. It turned out that the vice-principal who hired me, quit over the summer and no one knew what to do with me. My first day, I ended up doing paper work all day until lunch. Then I had lunch and recess duty with the 5th and 6'th graders. My first interaction with a student went like this. I went up to a boy sitting by himself at lunch and said, "Hey, I'm Alex. So. What can you tell me about the school?
"Well its K though 8."
"Well I know that...Anything else?"
He sighed. Then said, “Well... I'd say about 70 percent of the kids at this school are gay."
I said, “thats above average." Then I walked away.

At recess I saw a boy trip a girl playing soccer, she went down crying and I yelled, "Are you okay? What a douche!" No other teachers heard but all the kids did. Some laughed. Others asked what a douche was. Oh shit! I called a kid a douche!
When recess was over, I followed the "douche" back to his class room and cut him off to apologize. I had to get him not to tell on me. As I tried to do this, he started drawing a mustache on a girl's picture hanging on the wall. Another teacher stopped him, yelled at him, and sent him away. For the next week I waited to get fired. But kid told on me. Saying "douche" gave me some street cred.

At recess on my second day, a 6th grade girl came over to me while I was sitting at a picnic table. I was watching some kids play soccer. Her friends were standing in a quasi-Flying V formation behind her as she walked over. She got up right in my face. She said, "Can I sit on your lap?" In a slutty voice might I add!
"Ffff NO!"
"Why?"
"Because I think it's illegal!"
"No its not."

To be continued....

UPRISING

Thanksgiving was about two weeks ago and the winter holidays are approaching. This time of year has made me think a lot about my family, friends, and childhood. It also has made me think about how I recently beat the shit out of a six-year-old girl and while feeling no remorse for my actions. By "six-year-old girl", I mean my older sister Bridget, and by "recently", I mean eighteen years ago.

I had a happy childhood, but I was also a victim of my sister's oppression. At one point, Bridget decided I would make a good slave. But at age four, I was a terrible slave. I was bad at taking direction and criticism, and if you worked me too hard, I would cry and piss myself.

When I was four, my mother emancipated me. She told me that a sister was not like a mother and I didn’t have to listen to her.  But Bridget wasn't willing to give up what she had claimed as her property.

I remember this one instance vividly. My sister and I were in the living room. She said to me, "Alex. Go up stairs and get me my Barbie doll." This was a demand, not a request. And it was given as a demonstration of her authority.
I said, "No Bridget. You're not my mother. I already have a mother."
But Bridget insisted. She kept demanding and I kept refusing.

Bridget eventually knew that she had to switch to more drastic forms of persuasion. She averted eye contact from me for a few seconds. She had a furrowed brow. One could tell that she was thinking hard about what she should do next. I stood about two feet away from her. I was silent and wondering what was going to happen next. What it over? She looked back down at me and we held eye contact for a split second. Then she slapped me across face. Not in the way a pimp hits a hooker. It was more like the cliché way a woman slaps a man in a movie after he JUST PUSHES HER TOO FAR! I think she expected that I would just stand there and be like, “I deserved that,” with a look of wise humility. Then I would have gotten her the doll and apologized. Thats how it happens in the movies.
When you're that young, brawn doesn’t win fights. Rage does. Bridget tried to get away, but as she back-pedaled she tripped over the leg of our coffee table. While she was on her back, I ran over. She was yelling, "Alex! No! Please!" I grabbed both of her ankles as she tried to kick me away. Then I stomped on her vagina. Hard.

Memories: NU Police Told my Mom I Killed Myself

 vs.

Let’s set the stage. It was the day of the Red Sox Parade, November 2007. It was a Monday and Halloween was over the weekend. I obviously went to the parade, but I was sick so I didn't drink(Good thing). Afterwards, I went to hang out with my friends in the honors dorms. Thats when I got a phone call from NU Police. "Hello?"

"Hello. Yes. Is this Michael Chase?"
"Yes, This is he."
"You like to go by Alex. Is that right?
"Ah, yeah..."
"Tell me. Where are you right now?
"Um' I'm in West Village F. Why?" 
"Listen. We’d like to talk with you. Your family is very concerned."
"...Why?"
"Please, just meet us outside the building."

Puzzled, I told my friends that I had to go talk to the cops. Then I started to exit the building. As I left, my sister Katherine called me crying."Alex! What's going on!"

"I don’t know! What is going on! "Then my shitty reception cut out. As I walked out of the building three cop cars converged on me at once. Two campus officers approached me and started asking me how I’ve been feeling lately. I was like, "Fine...?" Then we sat down on a bench outside the residence hall. It was four cops and me on the bench. A crowd was forming around the three cars to see what was happening.
Then, one of cops said said, "Look, your girlfriend Tracy told us everything."
"I don't have a girlfriend...?" Then there was a silence and I started to worry. I was so black out drunk on Halloween that I peed on my own television set! And I know I wouldn't harm anyone when I'm drunk. I never have. But I thought, what if there was some terrible misunderstanding?  I sure as hell wouldn't be able to give my side of the story. "Look, I don't know what that girl told you, but I don’t know what the FUCK is going on right now!"

That’s when they explained to me that Tracy was my high school sweetheart from Rhode Island. I also recently insinuated to her via a Facebook massage that I was going to kill myself.
"Dude, I'm from Westford not Rhode Island, and I never went out with a girl named Tracy..."

That's when the light bulb hit the cops followed by an, "Oh shit!"
"It’s the wrong guy." said another.
"But what about the medicine all over the place in his room?!" said another.
"I have cold dude! It was Dayquil and Tylenol! Wait you broke into my room?"

They had to leave in a hurry to find the right guy, but right before they left one of the officers said, "Son, you should call your mother immediately!"

Turned out there was a guy in my dorm three doors down from me with "Chase" as a first name. He had a very dramatic girlfriend who was still in high school. When the cops asked about "Chase" someone assumed it was me. (Cracker-jack police work.)

Oh yeah! Also, "first-name-Chase" wasn't so much trying killing himself as he was trying to break up with Tracy.

I don’t know exactly what happened with other Chase, but I do know that my mom and dad were a little upset. Their son, in their minds, had been dead for a good 20 minutes at one point.

Some People Don't Appreciate Constructive Criticism

So I tried online dating recently on OkCupid. It's the largest free online dating site right now. I went on some dates  and had a good time, but nothing was more fun than reading some profiles by crazy people... and writing to them....

By far my favorite profile....





dollpartzz

19 / F / Straight / Seeing someone
Boston, Massachusetts

My self-summary

Puta, por favor.

I'm Erica. I go to school in Boston, and otherwise, live in the slightly less compelling, Connecticut.

Studying abroad in the Netherlands next semester. You're jealous.

Be forewarned, I'm a grammar Nazi.
English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

What I’m doing with my life

trying to become the modern day Elizabeth Báthory.

 

I’m really good at

kicking life in the ass.

The first things people usually notice about me

I'd like to say my eyes. But, then again, I do have a Kardashian ass.

Edited by

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

Authors: Eggers, Sedaris, Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Joyce, Thompson.

Movies: Everything by Gus Van Sant, Terry Gilliam, Christopher Nolan, and Wes Anderson. If you can appreciate the true genius of The Room then we are soulmates.

TV Shows: True Blood, Glee, Skins, Misfits, Generation Kill, Summer Heights High, Harper's Island, Freaks and Geeks, Extras. I tend to gravitate toward canceled shows. Weird.

Music: http://www.last.fm/user/spandexgypsy

Food: Chimichanga + a bottle of tequila = good.
Mexican food is my religion.

 

The six things I could never do without

1. Coffee
2. Coffee
3. Friends
4. Burritos
5. Nutella
6. Coffee

Edited by

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Robert Downey Jr.
He gives me a massive girl boner.

On a typical Friday night I am

acting like such a fucking lady.

 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I would give up dick for the rest of my life if it meant I could be with Amanda Seyfried.

Edited by

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I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 18-23
• Located anywhere
• Who are single
• For new friends

You should message me if

Don't. Just don't.

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I Wrote her!

(No subject)

Nov. 23, 2010 – 2:07pm

Dear Grammar Nazi,
Our profiles are a 90% match so you come up on my search a fair amount. I've taken it upon myself to correct  some of your own grammar in your profile.

Your first error isn't really in grammar, but you made a poor choice of words.
The word "compelling" or "to compel" means "to drive together" or "to urge strongly". You should have said something like "I go to school in Boston, but when I'm not in school, I live in Connecticut. It is a slightly less compelling place to live". This sentence is much clearer to the reader. A word such as "desirable" instead of "compelling"  would be even better.

Next you say:
(This is my favorite part)

Be forewarned, I'm a grammar Nazi. < the comma should be a period.
English, motherfucker, do you speak it? < The comma after English shouldn't be there.

It should read:

Be forewarned. I'm a grammar Nazi.
Do you speak English Motherfucker?

Maybe you should reconsider being a Nazi of any kind. They're dicks. Maybe I misunderstood what you meant by grammar Nazi. Maybe you were only referring to the spoken word. Or maybe you were hoping to someday exterminate 6 million rules of English grammar in order to purify the language in a way you deem superior. Maybe you're dumb. Maybe you're a grammar Nazi hypocrite much like Hitler was a hypocrite. He wasn't of Aryan decent don't ya' know. Oops. I meant to say, "Did you know Hitler wasn't of Aryan decent?" That’s better mien Fuhrer.

I had fun doing this,
Chase

8% Enemy 80% Friend 90% Match Sent to dollpartzz

  Nov. 23, 2010 – 4:05pm

You should've put your wasted efforts toward someone who actually cares.

I have no fucks to give. (Shit! Hurry! Correct my grammar!).
IZ DIS KILLING U!?

couple more things

Nov. 23, 2010 – 9:39pm

"Studying abroad in the Netherlands next semester. You're jealous."

You meant to say envious, not jealous. you only use the term jealous when you're talking about friendships, relationships, or love.

What I’m doing with my life:
trying to become the modern day Elizabeth Báthory

No you're not. thats quite the obscure reference. i had to google that before i judged you.

I’m really good at
kicking life in the ass.

I hope but I'm not entirely sure you mean that as a metaphor.

The first things people usually notice about me
I'd like to say my eyes. But, then again, I do have a Kardashian ass.

yeah you're pretty good looking. enough so that no matter how crazy you are, guys will always tell you that you're smart and interesting to get in your pants.

The six things I could never do without
1. Coffee
2. Coffee
3. Friends
4. Burritos
5. Nutella
6. Coffee

the fact that coffee is up there twice before friends speaks volumes about you.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Robert Downey Jr.
He gives me a massive girl boner.

he will never fuck you. for two reasons: 1. He's famous. 2. you use phases like girl boner.

On a typical Friday night I am
acting like such a fucking lady. translation: getting drunk and arguing with people

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I would give up dick for the rest of my life if it meant I could be with Amanda Seyfried.

thats just not true.

You should message me if
Don't. Just don't.

...oh shit! sorry.